“Do not be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” –Natalie Babitt
At least once a day, I am reminded of my own mortality, and it awakens me. It has been almost three years since I met Ms. M*. She came to us because she was becoming progressively short of breath. She was nearly my age, newly married, and had just moved back to the area. When I arrived that day, the physician alerted me to her presence. She was very rapidly and mysteriously deteriorating, and would need to be placed on a ventilator very soon.
When asked if a ventilator is what she would want, she was understandably scared. I recall her telling the nurse she knew she was dying, but that she could not because she had too many things left to accomplish. Almost immediately, and right after her husband stepped out of the room, her heart stopped beating. Despite our best and most valiant resuscitation attempts, she did not survive. She had an endearing personality, that all of us could see shining through despite her severity of illness.
In the aftermath of ‘time of death,’ as I sat at my desk taking a mental break, I was once again confronted with the need to live deliberately instead of just passively filling my days. In this case, the patient’s life so similarly resembled my life, and in my moment of pause, I could feel a ton of bricks set squarely on my shoulders. It could have been me! The weight of it was profound and heartbreaking.
It is uncomfortable to think about death in general, especially my own. However, I have found that allowing myself to linger within the unpleasantness, if only for a moment, can be truly liberating. For me, considering my last days also helps to reshape the present.
I often ask myself the following set of questions. A spiritual mentor originally gave these questions to me; I have adapted them along my journey.
If you were no longer here tomorrow, who would notice? Further, what would they notice? Would they notice the absence of your kindness? Would they notice the somewhat mundane tasks you performed; daily acts of love now profoundly absent? Do you have any regrets when you think about the answers to these questions? If so, what can you do TODAY to change course.
If one is truly living, I believe the above questions can be answered with no misgivings. To live, simply requires a search within for something more. Bigger dreams, more passion for the things that occupy our time, the desire to continually learn and do better and the creation of memories with loved ones that will last long after death are required. I certainly do not want my life to end until I have reached a wonderful old age, but witnessing death serves as a reminder that I am not the one who chooses. While I may not have a vote in how things turn out, everyday I wake up and plant my feet on the floor, I receive the opportunity to live deliberately and take control of the options available.
Moreover, one does not have to witness death to have a wake-up call that serves to increase motivation to take control and create change. Use my lesson as your alarm. Do what can be done today, no matter what else is happening, to create a life course that will not be viewed with retrospective regret. Do it today before the choices run out.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
The Summer Day by Mary Oliver
*Name changed for patient privacy.
©2019 Inspired Pharmacist
Inspired Pharmacist 