“Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes.” – Leo F. Buscaglia
My mom has told me many times in life “don’t be a doormat.” I know this phrase probably did not originate with her. I attribute it to her, however, because when I say it to myself I hear her voice in my head. I did not always know what she meant by this lesson she tried to teach me growing up.
I met Mr. D* after he had tripped over a rug… fitting story, I know. It was not surprising; I had seen his name pop up multiple times before. This time, he had dislocated his hip and we needed to put it back in place. He was also drunk. He said to us, “I guess the welcome is all worn out of that rug…it’s demanding! When I get home, I’m going to tell it to leave me alone because I ain’t no doormat.”
After chuckling to myself for a few minutes about what he had said, I thought more about how true his statement really was. Obviously, I do not mean talking to the rug. I mean in relation to what my mom always said about not being a doormat. I started thinking about how sometimes the “welcome” of our relationships are worn. Sometimes, in order to be “nice” we let others boss us around without acknowledging that it is not in our best interest (or professionally, in the best interest of our patient). We try to adapt to what everyone else wants so much that we feel if we do not do what he or she wants, they will think less of us.
What a bunch of bologna we tell ourselves. In general, this is probably something I have worked on or struggled with my entire life. This is my own “rug” that I keep tripping over. I have to tell it a lot to leave me alone. I frequently grapple with how to be kind, generous, and loving without being taken advantage of in the process. I have come up with a few strategies in my own life to combat this reality of my personality.
The first thing I had to realize was that sometimes the best way to love others means saying “no.” It is not easy. The first time I disagreed with a physician as a student, I was petrified. However, that physician respected me a whole lot more than if I had just agreed. He became my chief ally, and I his…mutual respect gained from truthful discourse.
Another thing that has helped me, is creating time and space for myself. By doing so, I am able to be alone with my thoughts and consider how something may affect me. The best phrase I have learned over the years is to just say “let me think about it.” It usually curbs the want for an immediate answer, lets the other person know the proposal will be considered, and provides time to analyze the consequences.
Now, I think I know what my mom really meant when she said, “stand up for yourself, don’t be a doormat.” I like to imagine her giving me a much more robust pep talk. It goes something like this. “So what if you accidentally tripped over your own rug. You don’t get to just stay there and let people walk all over you. At the end of the day, the same people who just trampled you will still complain you are not flat enough. There you’ll be, covered in their grime and sniffing their smelly shoes with nothing to show for it.”
Love everyone, be kind, but set boundaries. Do not let others drag you down with them. Do not succumb to such foolishness. Love from afar, if necessary, but love just the same.
*Name and some details changed to protect the privacy of others
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Inspired Pharmacist 